April is the Cruelest Month, Recovering from what life dishes out with T.S. Eliot
April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, missing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
T.S. Eliot - The Waste Land
My April has been particularly cruel.
So much has transpired this month that I feel as if the roller coaster has taken off before I got a chance to pull down the lap bar.
As I chatted with my 6th grader the weekend of Easter, we giggled about the jokes he would pull on his classmates that April Fools day which fell on the coming Monday. What we didn’t know that Saturday was that the joke would be on us, not just he and I, but once again on “us” – the collective family – the whole lot of us in the form of a not-so-funny death.
Easter morning rolled around with the preparation of Sunday brunch items for the large family gathering we had planned that day and the handing out of some simple, but joyful, Easter baskets to the kids. As I passed the first to my youngest child, I answered my cell phone to my sister-in-law who I thought would be calling about the days plans.
Instead she was telling me about the death of her son as she sped to the hospital.
"Please call everyone” she said and hung up.
So, because we are so good at death, this wonderful family that I am lucky to be a part of, did as we have done so many, many times in the past, we gathered to ease the pain. We each brought our Easter dinner offerings, our children, dogs, tears, love and humor to be together.
For whatever reason, karma, chance, bad genes, we’ve had a significant amount of sickness and deaths in the family since 2001. Most were attributed to devastating illnesses, some to accident and another to suicide. Sadly, only one could be attributed to age, the rest were just way, way too young to go.
"Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far one can go."
T.S. Eliot (Transit of Venus)
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| Lucas was a sweet, kind and sensitive boy we will miss him deeply. © DFries |
He was defining himself and becoming a man.
He seemed hopeful, as were we, that he was rejoining the living after his long haul of despair with drugs.
"What life have you, if you have not life together?"
T.S. Eliot (The rock, 1934)
Yet, he died in his sleep after one weak moment, to be found by his twin brother and father the next morning.
This to me is the cruelest of jokes, just when he was starting to get it together, his momentary lapse into darkness was met with finality.
This to me is the cruelest of jokes, just when he was starting to get it together, his momentary lapse into darkness was met with finality.
And, any of us could make that mistake really.
With great planning and lots of tears we sent this wonderful boy off with a beautiful service only to turn and face the grey month of April.
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| Buddy slowly recovers. © DFries |
What’s interesting to note in this last month is the significance of looking at life through a younger set of eyes rather than through my jaded perception. During the period when Lucas passed, through the service and beyond the young adults and kids in the family banned together buoying the adults and each other with humor and stories, so many stories of Lucas growing up. From this I know Lucas will never be forgotten.
Back home, my kids didn’t look at Buddy’s condition with the fear of loss as I thought they might. They dug in and helped me clean up his accidents and comforted him. In their eyes they are sure he will be getting better day-by-day. And, I will hold back my reservations about the fate of this dog and choose to see what the kids see. His suffering has lessened; the medication and supplements seem to be working, along with the diet as well.
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| Ginger the 14-year-old basset terrier napping away the day! © DFries |
Tonight though, he had gained the strength for a longer walk and on that walk he cheerfully greeted each dog as he passed with a wagging tail and happy eagerness.
This demonstration of resilience in people and animal has turned the grey of April into the hope of a warmer May for me.
Every moment is a fresh beginning.
T.S. Eliot (The Cocktail Party, 1949)
4 comments
This April was pretty cruel and miserable all right. Usually not though....:)
ReplyDeleteI know, thanks! I just had to get it into perspective ;)
DeleteSorry for your loss. The loss of a close family member is devastating. Hope Buddy is still mending well. -- barbara
ReplyDeleteThank you Barbara, yes, he is much, much better!
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